Dark Ruins Endgame
by DreadedGuardian
Summary: What would happen if I pushed THIS button, and Ruined Endgame?! MUWHAHA! (R/R or you will be assimilated)


Title: Dark rewites Endgame! 

Author: Dark

Rating: R

Summary: Just what would happen if I pushed THIS button, and gave all the characters whacky lines, and the vessels personalites?! MUWHAHA!!!!!!

Disclaimer: WARNING: You will be laughing so hard that your heart may speed up, slow down, reverse Direction, flip, or act as Second Liver. Should this happen, please tap "1" on the keyboard continuesly. It will do nothing for you, but it may annoy someone enough to come to your aide. Or they may jab you with the new "Beef Chipper 5000" Cattle Prod. Should any of these things happen, author will be in Jamaica. 

(I do not claim ownership to Star Trek: Voyager, or paramout pictures, or any related compaines. I also do not own the Beef Chipper 5000.) 

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Alright, then! On with the story!!

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Opening Scene: Voyager flies through the air, blasting over Frisco, bringing forth cheers from a load of spectators. 

Voyager: Yeah, Yeah! I'd had enough of getting whipped in the Delta Quantant, too…yeah…okay…SHUT UP!!!" 

Woman on TV: Most of you may remember, but probably don't, the U.S.S Voyager's unusal return to earth. And, we all know, that we were much happier without them. Erm…are much happier _with_ them here-…"

Old Woman that manages to look like Captain Janeway—Oh wait, that IS Captain Janeway!!: Computer, TV off. 

Computer: Ugh, I've about had it with you. 

Janeway: What'd you say? 

Computer: Erm…nothing. 

Scene Number One: PARTAY!!!

Everyone in the Room: NO! SLEEP! TIL BLOOKLYN! BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We see a little girl approach a grey-haired Captain, and tug on his sleeve. 

Little girl: Are you Santa? 

Harry Kim: Huh? 

Little Girl: You ARE Santa! WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME THAT BARBIE I WANTED!? 

Kim: Err…What Barbie?

Little Girl: Starfleet Command Barbie!!!

Kim: Uhhh….I couldn't find it!

Little girl: Oh. Wait a minuet—couldn't you replicate it? 

Kim: Look—go find your Mother for me…whoever the hell you are…

Little Girl: GIMME MY BARBIE!!!!! [Latches onto Kim's neck, and sucks his blood] 

Kim: YAAHHH!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! YAAHHH!!!

[Vulcan walks by and drop-kicks the little girl off Kim's neck] 

[Janeway walked up to Kim]

Janeway: How ya been, homie? 

Kim: Good, Admiral, and yourself? 

[Janeway slips Kim a roll of bills] 

Janeway: I'll get you the rest after the party. 

Kim: [Smile]

[Pan to the door, where the Doctor walks through with a thirty-year younger blonde. We see a balding Tom Paris as the Doctor hurries inside]

Paris: Doc! You made it!

Doctor: [Talking to Blonde] Voyager's pilot, Medic, and a real pain in the-…"

Paris: Yes? 

Doctor: Erm…neck. 

Paris: Uh huh. Who's your broad…erm…date?

Doctor: Mr. Paris, please meet Meg Ryan, my annoying bride.

Ryan: I'm so cute!!! Oh, um, Hi Mr. Paris.

Paris: …

Doctor: Its your line, Paris. 

Paris: Oh! Right. Um…So you're not a….

Ryan: Paid? 

Paris: No! A hologram!

Ryan: Oh! No. Joe has a flair for romantic things..

Paris: Joe?

Doctor: I decided I couldn't get married without a name. Even a useless one.

Paris: It took to thirty years to come up with Joe? 

Doctor: What difference does it make? It took me thirty years to get married! 

Paris: Whatever. 

Doctor: Frankly Mr. Paris, I'm surprised you'd even ask. I thought we were beyond that. 

Paris: I'm in a mixed marriage myself, remember?

Doctor: Are you trying to lessen our screen time together? 

Paris: Yeah!

Doctor: Oh fine. Where's your wife? 

[Pan to Janeway, talking to B'Elanna Torres.] 

Janeway: And they said they'd buy fifty Kilos? 

Torres: How should I know? I'm just a friggn ambassator

[Sigh…I have a feeling the camera man is gonna get tired…Pan to a VERY old Reg Barclay]

Barclay: Blah Blah blah! SCENE THREE!!!

Janeway: What the hell? 

Errr…Well, okay, Scene three! 

[A hologram appears in the middle of a large room. The hologram was none other than…[Gasp] THE BORG!!!]

Everyone in room: YAAAHHH! THE BORG ARE COMING!!! THE BORG ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!!

Barclay: HEY! Sit your Cadet…

Author: Hey man, this story is only PG-13, remember! 

Barclay: Right! Sit down, Cadets. I'd like to introduce the Borg. The ruthless, murderous Borg. They are fueled to destroy Humans by one thing, and one thing alone: Abba sent them their latest record. 

Random Cadet: Well, here I thought they wanted to assimilate all humans for Drones, and use out ships for their technologoy!

Barclay: Hell no! They just wanted to come by and have a beer, but some idiot played Abba in the diplomatic session, so now they are drivin to kill humans, because the Borg Queen has the song stuck in her head. And since they're a hive mind, you can picture the torture! 

[As if to agree, several of the Cadets in the room become sick at the mention of Abba]

Barclay: Now, we have a special guest lecturer—Donny Osmond! 

Osmond: Hi kids!

Barclay: Osmond?! WHAT THE HELL!?

[Osmond is booted off the show, and replaced by the old version of Janeway]

Barclay: Well, that's only a slight improvement!

Janeway: Shove it, Barclay. We all know you had a crush on Jimmy Page!

Barclay: [Flushes] D-Did not!

Janeway: Right! Now, any questions? 

[One Cadet starts to raise his hand, and is shot by a phaser]

Janeway: [Puts Phaser away] Anyone else? 

[Pindrop]

[Dude Walks up to Janeway, whispers in her ear]

Janeway: NO! I told you! FIFTY bucks an hour for-…

[Everyone gapes]

Janeway: Oh, don't act like you didn't know. [Walks off in a Huff]

Barclay: Okay…that was…alittle strange…

[Phaser blast comes from offscreen and shoots Barclay]

[Pan to Janeway's office, where she is talking to a glass board. A young Klingon Woman is speaking to her]

Klingon Woman: It Works! It Works!

Janeway: Sacre' Bleu! 

Klingon: Later! [Signs off]

[Camera goes forward, forward, forward…until it smacks Janeway in the face and knocks her out cold]

Scene Four!

[Pan to a door. [Gasp!] Yay…a door. Erm, sorry. No, really, though. Candles light the back of the door, and suddenly, to the shock and horror of everyone…it opens!]

[Janeway walks through the door, where Tuvok is scibbling on a piece of Paper in the middle of the floor, like some crazy person]

Janeway: Hi, Tuvok!

Tuvok: The light…

Janeway: Tuvok, are you stoned again?

Tuvok: YEAH! NOW CLOSE THE @#$%^ DOOR! 

Janeway: Riighht…[Walks inside, closes the door]

Janeway: How are you doing? 

Tuvok: I am close to completing my work. It's so hard, when you pricks keep beating down the door. 

Janeway: [Picks of a piece of Paper, stuiding Tuvok's 'Work' It reads:] AbBa SuCkS. 

Janeway: THIS is the mystery of the universe!?

Tuvok: Yep! Shocked me, too!

Janeway: [Rolls eyes] Okkay…

Tuvok: [Looks suddenly up at Janeway] The Doctor comes on Sundays. Barclay's visits are…erratic…

Janeway: Tuvok, look, I know that that…white stuff…makes you think you feel happy…but…

Tuvok: Do you have a chewtoy? 

Janeway: Excuse me? 

Tuvok: You know—A rubber chew toy!

Janeway: Alright, you know what? [Sets picture down on Tuvok's desk, and walks out]

[Pan back to that large room where Barclay was showing off his knowlage of the Borg. He is wearing a large bandage over the side of his head, clearly to cover up the phaser burns. He hands Janeway a padd] 

Barclay: This should be everything you need.

Janeway: The shuttle? 

Barclay: In the Oakland shipyards. I wish you'd let me go with you!

Janeway: Come with me?! Geez, man, I can't stand you on this planet, let alone in deep space for three weeks!

Barclay: [Hands Janeway a flask of Burbon] I made it fresh for your trip! 

Janeway: Wow—the first decent thing you've done for me in twenty years!

Barclay: I got your ship home, Admiral!

Janeway: Like hell you did! I lost so many people and stuff, I got out and pushed the ship back to the Alpha Quantrant! 

Barclay: Hrmp! 

Janeway: Now, I must go see my dead first officer, Chakotay! 

Barclay: Sure, give the whole Episode away!

Janeway: Isn't that the Basic idea?

Barclay: Get out…

Scene…uuhhh….Scene….five? Yeah, Scene Five, here we go! 

[Pan to Janeway standing over Chakotay's grave. How do we know who's grave it is? Janeway gave it away in Scene Four!]

Janeway: What would you say now, Chakotay? Wait—let me guess!

Chakotay: [Scratches at the top of his Coffin, and pounds on it] I'm Not dead!!! Help!

Janeway: That I'm being impulsive, and not thinking this through!

Chakotay: No, I'd say that I'm not quite dead, Janeway! And you're standing on top of me! MOVE IT, LADY!!!

Janeway: [Stomps on Chakotay's grave]

Chakotay: UGH! [Passes out]

Janeway: I know it wasn't easy living all these years without her, Chakotay…So I'm going to make everything better!

Chakotay: Just dig me out of this grave! It's only like three feet deep!

Janeway: [Stomps again]

Scene Six!

[Pan to—whoa, wait wait. Now we're…Thirty years before? Okay…um…Pan to A Dark bedroom, where Tom and B'Elanna are sleeping. WHOOHOO! Wait…Wait. This story is only rated PG-13…Awww….]

Torres: Tom. 

Paris: Go away, woman.

Torres: It's time!

Paris: For breakfast? All right! Wait…its only Four A.M?! Go back to bed, woman!

Torres: OUT OF BED, NOW!

Paris: Fine…

[Paris pretends to care about whats happening]

Paris: Paris to Sickbay! It's time!

Torres: Combadge on the nightstand. 

Paris: Right. [Slaps Combadge] Paris to sickbay! It's time!

[No Answer]

Torres: That's a lamp, Paris. 

Paris: [Pushes himself out of bed] Lets just GO to sickbay…

Torres: First inteligent suggestion you've made all day. 

Paris: The day just started!

Torres: SICKBAY! NOW!!!!!!!!!!

[In Sickbay]

Doctor: Hmmm…Uh huh….Yes…

Torres: One more comment like that, and I'll take you offline!

Doctor: And if you did that, no one would deliver your baby? 

Torres/Paris: NOW?!

Doctor: Of course not. Maybe next week. 

Torres: ARRRHHGGG! [Gets up and walks out] 

Paris: Can't wait until this damn show is over…

Doctor: Only another…[looks at watch] One hour, twenty-three minuets!

[Pan to Janeway [Young again! Yay!!] And Chakotay [Alive again! Yay!!] , standing in her ready room, talking] 

Janeway: When?

Chakotay: Where?

Paris: Why? 

Tuvok: When? 

Janeway: GET BACK TO YOUR STATIONS!

[Tuvok and Paris run off]

Janeway: That baby is as stubborn as her mother. 

Chakotay: Harry is starting a Pool to see when it's gonna be born. Blah Blah Blah. 

Janeway: Put me down for Blah Blah Blah, on Blah Blah Blah. 

Chakotay: …

Janeway: Anything else, You-…

Author: [Ahem]

Janeway: Erm…Commander? 

Chakotay: Yeah, erm, Chell wants to take over the mess hall. 

Janeway: Good. Anyone will be better than that stupid Neelix. 

Chakotay: Here's a menu!

Janeway: Plasma Soup? 

[Janeway imagines eating said 'Plasma Soup', and watches it burn the inside of her mouth out] 

Janeway: On second thought, lets just keep using the replicators…

Chakotay: Kay. 

Janeway: Feel like having s-…

Author: [AHEM] 

Janeway: Erm…Lunch. 

Chakotay: Sorry, I'm gonna go have s-…

Author: Ya Do it again, and I'm gonna kick ya outta the story. 

Chakotay: Err…Lunch with Seven. 

Janeway: Oh. … [Cries] 

Chakotay: [Runs off] 

[Pan to the Cargo Bay, where Seven is sitting on her knees on a picnic banket]

Chakotay: Whats all this? 

Seven: It's a picnic! 

Chakotay: Cool. Lets eat! 

Seven: [Looks up lustfully into Chakotay's eyes, and throws herself at him. WHOA…okay…we'll come back to them.] 

[Pan to Tuvok [Sane again! Yay!!], and Icheb [Erm…never mind] playing Kal- Toh. With Harry Kim trying to guide Icheb] 

[Icheb tries to put a Kal-Toh piece in] 

Kim: [Cough Cough]

Icheb: [Changes his piece position] 

Kim: [COUGH COUGH COUGH!]

Icheb: Will you shut up? 

Kim: Man, I'm hackin up a lung! 

Tuvok: Keep it to yourself!

[Kim hacks up his left lung, and is hauled off to sickbay] 

Icheb: [Puts his last Kal-Toh Piece over the metal pieces, and forms the Kal-Toh] 

Icheb: HAH! Kal Toh. Pay up. 

Tuvok: [Sighs and hands over Icheb's Fishnet stockings and Abba CD]

Icheb: Yay!! [Runs off]

Random Crewmember: [Walks up to Tuvok] Yah, fore shure, from Sweden!

Tuvok: Man, I gotta go to sickbay…

[Sickbay]

Doctor: You say you're experiancing visions, and not feeling pain? 

Tuvok: Indeed.

Doctor: Well, no wonder! You're on morphine and LSD!

Tuvok: And Mr. Paris said I didn't do anything fun. 

Doctor: You miserable stoner. 

Tuvok: The normal detox, Doctor. 

Doctor: [Presses Hypospray to Tuvok's neck] 

Tuvok: Wow! What a rush! 

[Pan back to some time in the future when Janeway is orbiting some kind of planet. What planet it really is, we don't care.] 

[Janeway beams into a rocky chamber. That Klingon broad we saw earlier walks around the corner with two normal-looking Klingons] 

Weird Klingon Broad that looks like a Human but isn't really: Welcome, Admiral! 

Janeway: Thanks, WKBTLAHBIR! Who's place are we in, again? 

WKBTLAHBIR: The House of Korok! 

Janeway: [Facinated] Wow! The house of Kodac! Wonder what good pictures they make here!!!

WKBTLAHBIR: No, Korok! The Klingon! And my name is Miral Paris!

Janeway: You're a paris? Oh, I'm so sorry. 

Klingon Dude: [Speaks German. Seige Heils, and marches off] 

Second Klingon Dude: [Speaks Klingon to Janeway]

Janeway: What did he say? 

Paris: He wants to know if you brought any of that stupid Abba music to the planet with you. 

Janeway: No! 

Paris: [Speaks German, Seige Heils, and Marches off]

Janeway: [Shrugs, does the same] 

[Janeway and Company rush into the next room over, where an old looking Klingon dude is playing with a gun.]

Janeway: Didn't your Mommy ever tell you not to play with loaded guns? 

Korok: No. 

Janeway: Fair enough. Give me what I want. 

Korok: NO!

Janeway: Fine. Geez. [Leaves]

[Pan back to Earth, in the Old Janeway timeline. Wait—Isn't Janeway like 45 or 50 in the _normal_ timeline? But, isn't that consitered old on earth anyways? And, what is the normal timeline? Aw, screw it! JUST PAN BACK TO EARTH!]

[Tuvok's Room]

Tuvok: [Paces around] 5588.252…I am deeply stoned…deeply stoned…

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: YO HOMIES!!

Second Doctor: YO!

Doctor: What's your prob? 

Second Doctor: Tuvok's goin nuts, man! 

Doctor: Oh, he just needs his normal detox. 

Tuvok: Wait! Janeway, she left! She's gone! How will I get my stash?! I PAID HER FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

Doctor: [Presses Hypospray to Tuvok's neck] 

Tuvok: What a rush! [Passes out]

Scene Nine! No…Is it…eight? Six? GAH! ON TO THE NEXT SCENE!!!

[Barclay is walking around in his classroom late at night. Someone appears in the doorway]

Doctor: _Voyager_ to _Pathfinder_, come in _Pathfinder_!

Barclay: Whoa! Doctor…What a terrible…erm….surprise!

Doctor: Watch it, Barclay! 

Barclay: Did I miss our weekly Orgy? 

Doctor: No, that's not until tomarrow. 

Barclay: Good good. 

Doctor: You seen Janeway? 

Barclay: Yeah, man, She went to that Klingon Planet, and is gonna get a Temporal Deflector from some Klingon dude. 

Doctor: Temporal Deflector? 

Barclay: Don't ask me, I don't understand it either!!

[Pan back to Janeway. She walks into that Rocky chamber again] 

Jan-….[WAIT! WAIT! WE FORGOT A SCENE! PAN BACK TO VOYAGER, QUICK!!] 

[Pan back to Voyager, were we see Seven Of Nine chatting with Neelix in the Astrometrics lab.] 

Neelix: Can we hurry though this part? 

Seven: Sure. 

[Presses a Button on the console, triggers a series of beeps]

Neelix: I'll let you tend to your wormholes. [Signs off] 

[Pan to the Bridge, where Chakotay, Seven, Kim, and Paris are standing around]

Seven: They're wormholes. Lets go check them out, so the author doesn't have to acknowlage that he screwed up and missed a scene!!

Kim: Right!

[Bridge crew gets to it] 

[Pan to space, where _Voyager_ enters a soupy nebula] 

Voyager: Man…this thing gives me the creeps…[Shutters]

[Pan back to the bridge crew. Ship shutters] 

Janeway: What was that?

Paris: [Shrugs]

[Voyager shutters again…and shuddenly starts bouncing up and down]

Janeway: What's causing that!!!

Paris: I don't know!

[Pan back to the outside view where a Borg Cube emerges with _Voygaer_…OH GOD! OH MY GOD!!]

Janeway: VOYAGER! QUIT HUMPIN' THE FRICKIN CUBE!!!

Voyager: WOO!!!

Cube: EWWWWW!!!!!!

[Cube flees in the other direction]

Voyager: Call me…[Winks]

Janeway: Take the ship out of the nebula!

Kim: We can't give up on those wormholes!

Janeway: We have to! The author screwed up and missed the scene, so we have to get back to it!

Chakotay: Which is were we're going…now!

[Chakotay holds up a remote control, and flicks it back over to the other scene, where Janeway walks into that rocky chamber of Korok's]

Janeway: [looks around, and turns to Korok] You ever get that feeling, like you've been here before? 

Korok: Only when the author screws up and misses a scene!

Janeway: Right! Since this story is in downfall anyways, I'm going to make it worse!

[ENTER FINAL FANTASY STYLE BATTLE SYSTEM] 

Korok: What the hell is this!? 

Janeway: Turn based battle system! [Attacks Korok. He Dies]

Janeway: BUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[EXIT FINAL FANTASY STYLE BATTLE SYSTEM]

Janeway: [Runs over and beams the Temporal thingie and herself back to her shuttle.] 

Janeway: Deploy the outer speakers. 

[Janeway's shuttle suddenly sprouts speakers, and starts blaring Abba's'Dancing Queen' as two Klingon vessels decloak and attack her]

[Klingon Ship]

Klingon Captain: What the hell is that?! 

Klingon Number Two: AHH! SELF DESTRUCT, SELF DESTRUCT!!!

[Both Klingon ships explode] 

Janeway: Heh Heh Heh. 

[Janeway goes to Warp]

[Okay! I think we're back on track now…pan back to Voyager!]

[Paris is walking down a corridor] 

Paris: Da Da, The Dancing Queen!

Kim: Paris!

Paris: AHH! [Kicks Kim in the nuts, and runs off]

Kim: …Ugh…[Passes out]

[Sigh…Pan to astrometrics, where Seven is working over the consol. Chakotay rushes in] 

Chakotay: YO HOMIE!

Seven: [Drops what she's doing, and starts kissing Chakotay madly] 

Chakotay: Woot!

Seven: Whats up? 

Chakotay: Wanna come to my quarters later? 

Seven: [Winks]

Chakotay: Sweet! [High-Fives himself]

[Pan back to some corridor, where Paris is still walking along like nothing happened.]

Kim: [Limping] Tom!

Paris: Oh! Whats wrong, Harry?

Kim: Are you stoned? You kicked me in the nuts!!

Paris: Whoops! Sorry!

Kim: You up for one last adventure, before the next commerical break? 

Paris: Sure. You reserve some holodeck time? 

Kim: No-…

Paris: Got a girl in your quarters tied up 'Plup Fiction' style? 

Kim: …

Paris: Oh! I know! You wanna hijack a shuttle and fly into that nebula. Right? 

Kim: Right!

Paris: Well, screw you! [Walks off]

Kim: Prick!

Scene Eight: Assimilation Nation!

[Pan all the friggin way across the Delta Quadrant, back to that stupid Borg Unicomplex, with the same cube flying overhead as we saw in 'Unimatrix Zero', twenty episodes ago]

Borg Collective: Vessel Identifed: USSSSSSS---….

Borg Queen: Crap! 

[Queen fiddles with something on the side of her head]

Drone #1: Man, did you get a look at that Seven Of Nine? 

Drone #2: Yeah! For being one of us, she turned out to be one hot broad!

Queen: Get back to work!

[Queen tunes her head better] 

Borg Collective: U.S.S Voyager. We will pursue and assimilate!

Borg Queen: No! Every time we go after them, we end up getting our asses kicked!

Collective: Errr…What? 

Queen: Forget it. Just ignore them for right now. 

Collective: What would you know? Theres more of us than there are of you!

Queen: Watch it—I'll sing!

Collective: AHHHH!! WE'LL BE GOOD!!!

Queen: You'd better! Now, ignore them!

Collective: We understand. 

Drone #3: Huh? 

Drone #4: What? 

Drone #5: THE DANCING QUEEN!!!!

Queen: GET BACK TO WORK!!

[Pan back to Old Janeway's timeline]

[Janeway's shuttle drops out of Warp]

Janeway: Now, I take a Zero G walk outside, without a helment!

Computer: Warning: Vessel incoming!

Janeway: Klingon? 

Computer: How the hell should I know? 

Janeway: You're walking on thin ice, Computer…

Computer: Well, I don't know! I can't tell you these things!!

Janeway: Grrr….

[Vessel that looks shockingly like the _Equinox_ from Season six appears, and goes after Janeway's shuttle]

Old Captain Kim: Lower your @#$%ing shields, so we can beam you aboard!

Janeway: Go to hell!

Kim: [Cries]

Janeway: Only if you let me explain what you're doing!

Kim: You're gonna attach that thingie to your ship so you can go back in time! Barclay told the Doctor everything!

Janeway: Good thing I'm not going back, I'd kill that prick!!!

Kim: Well, I'll come over and help you!

Janeway: Okay!

[Kim beams aboard]

Kim: YO HOMIE!

Janeway: Put it together!

[Fast forward three hours]

Kim: Later! [Beams off]

Janeway: Computer, activate the Temporal Deflector and direct it to this timeline!!

Computer: FINALLY! Something I can do!!!

Janeway: DO IT!!!

[Two Klingon Ships decloak]

Janeway: Crap! Deply armor!

Computer: I can't! We don't have armor!

Janeway: AHHHHH!!!

[Klingon Ships open Fire] 

Janeway: Kim! Get back here! I need help!

Kim: I never left. I just wanted to see if you were gonna get vaporized when you went in there. 

Janeway: GAHH!

Kim: Okay, Okay, I'm coming. 

[Eqin-..errr…Rhode Island fires on the Klingon ships]

Klingons: AHHH! [Chase Janeway] 

[Pan back to Voyager]

[As we realize we just walked in on Seven and Chakotay, the female audience gasps. The Male audience, cheers. But that's not the point! The point is, Janeway calls them to the bridge.]

[Voyager's Bridge]

Janeway: What is it?

Tuvok: Looks like my mind, after I shoot up!

Janeway: Whatever. It looks like a temporal rift!

Tuvok: It is! Theres a ship coming through!

Janeway: Borg? 

Tuvok: No…Federation! WE'RE @#$%ING SAVED!!!

Janeway: Wait! There's weapons fire!

Tuvok: They're Klingon signatures!!

Janeway: AHHH!!

Seven: AHHH!!

Chakotay: Yah, fur shure from Sweden! 

[Bridge crew stares at Chakotay]

Chakotay: Erm…nevermind!

[Old Janeway's ship comes through the rift, and hails _Voyager_]

Kim: We're being hailed!

Janeway: You know the drill…

Old Janeway: YO HOMIES!!!

Crew/Janeway: YO!

Old Janeway: Recal your @#$% deflector to emit and anti-Klingon pluse!

Janeway: [Does this]

[Klingons vanish into thin air]

[And there was MUCH rejoycing] 

Crew/Old/New Janeway: YAY!

New Janeway: Now tell me what the @#$% is goin on!!!

Old Janeway: I've come to bring Voyager home!

New Janeway: Through that rift?

Old Janeway: No…

Paris: Why haven't I got more than a few minuets screen time? 

Old Janeway: Shut up, Paris.

Paris: Yes Ma'am. 

New Janeway: Alright, alright, you can bring your ship aboard!!

Old Janeway: Yay!

[Old Janeway's shuttle docks, and Voyager longs for company] 

[Back at the Borg Unicomplex]

Borg Queen: La La La…runnin the Collective…La La la…

[Back on Voyager]

[Old and New Janeway walk from the trubolift. Both hit their heads on the doorway]

Old/New Janeway: D'OH!

[Sickbay]

Doctor: I think she's you!

New Janeway: Really? Wow…

Old Janeway: Blah Blah. This is a waste of time! We got things to do, you mofos!

Doctor/New Janeway: Yah, fur Shure from Sweden!

Old Janeway: o_O 

New Janeway: Well, since you're me, lets skip ahead a couple scenes, to where we deploy the armor and attack the Borg!

Old Janeway: That's only one scene away anyways. 

New Janeway: SHUT UP!

Old Janeway: Fine, Fine! We'll skip ahead already!!!

New Janeway: Yay!

[Fast Forward to when _Voyager_ reenters the Nebula, and the armor is deployed and all that good crap] 

Millions of Borg Drones: YAH, FUR SHURE, FROM SWEDEN!!

Scene Nine: Yah, Fur Shure, from Sweden!…Sorry. 

Borg Queen: KILL THEM!

[Three Cubes attack Voyager]

Voyager: BUWHAHAHAH! I OWN YOU!

[Voyager launches transphasic Torpedoes]

Cube: Err…I just forgot…I left my oven on! [Runs Off] 

Voyager: BUWAHAHA! [Contines on]

Borg Queen: Oh @#$%^!

Drones: Aw, @#$%^!

Donny Osmond: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, C'MON! CELE-…

[Drones assimilate Osmond]

Queen: Thank god! Make him a damned cleanup drone or something. 

[Voyager]

Old Janeway: Mr. Paris, enter the apature at…err…oh hell, it's the third one from the left!

New Janeway: Err…What apature? 

Old Janeway: Uhh…Speed up!

[Voyager speeds up, and appears in front of that Transwarp Hub]

New Janeway: Hey! What's this? 

Old Janeway: The road home!

New Janeway: Really? 

Tuvok: Does anyone else see all these dancing midgets and Sugarplums on Steroids? 

New Janeway: No, Tuvok, you're just stoned. 

Tuvok: Oh…

New Janeway: Is this a Borg structure? 

[Pan outside, were hundreds of spheres and cubes are flying in and out of the Transwarp hub]

Old Janeway: No. 

New Janeway: You're lying! Seven—What is this? 

[Silence]

New Janeway: Seven? 

[Silence] 

New Janeway: Where the hell…Chakotay, go find her!

[Silence] 

New Janeway: DAMNIT! SEVEN! CHAKOTAY!

[The love birds stand up from in front of the conn, and try and smooth their hair out]

New Janeway: Perverts. 

Seven: It's a @#$%ing transwarp hub, Captain. 

Tuvok: This is the biggest advantage the Borg have!

New Janeway: Other than having 5 Trillion drones, vessels that can't be destroyed, multi-adaptive shielding? 

Tuvok: Of Course!

New Janeway: Go get your weekly detox, Tuvok!

Tuvok: I already got it!

New Janeway: GO GET ANOTHER ONE!

Tuvok: Yes Captain! [Salutes]

New Janeway: Take the @#$%^ing ship out!

Paris: Why? 

New Janeway: DO IT!

Old Janeway: Yeah, do it! Errr…Don't do it, I mean!

Paris: Aw, c'mon, either I'm doin it or not doin it!

[Both Janeway's giggle]

Paris: Errr…ahh…[Turns red] 

New Janeway: Take the ship out!

Paris: Fine. 

[Voyager flies out]

Voyager: Hmmm…hmm…Logically, I should just go home. I mean—we can own the Borg!

New Janeway: [Kicks the bulkhead] SHUT UP!!!

Voyager: Kick ME will ya? [Sends an eletric shock through the padd Janeway is holding, and makes her toilet back up]

New Janeway: Damn!

Voyager: BUWAHAHAHA!

[Astrometrics]

[Seven is trying in vain to hide the hickey on her neck while she talks with the two Janeways, Tuvok, and Chakotay]

Seven: It's one of six transwarp hubs left in the galaxy!

Tuvok: Make sure we take a picture—this is a rare chance!

[Everyone looks at Tuvok]

Tuvok: [Goes off to get his detox] 

New Janeway: Lets just blow the damn thing!

Old Janeway: Hey, are you forgetting something? 

New Janeway: Huh? What am I forgetting? 

Old Janeway: I @#$%^ing came back in time for you! The least you could do is go home!

New Janeway: Go to hell. 

Old Janeway: BLAH!

Seven: We'll just fly inside and blow up some of these 'Interspacial Manifolds', and have our cake and eat it too!

Old Janeway: How!

Seven: You'll go to the Borg Unicomplex, and infect the Queen with a virus, disrupting her control on the shielding. Then, we blow afew, and reenter the Alpha Quadrant!

Old Janeway: Pure Genius!

New Janeway: How did you figure all this out? 

Seven: I read the script. 

Old Janeway: INCREDIBLE!

New Janeway: What're we waiting for! Get your ass back to the Unicomplex!

Old Janeway: [Infects herself with a Borg-Killing Pathogen, and runs off for the shuttle bay]

[Borg Unicomplex]

Borg Queen: [Looks up from Playgirl Magizene] AHHH! GET OUT!

[Voyager] 

[Old Janeway flies off in her shuttle]

New Janeway: Yay, now I can be called 'Janeway' again!

Author: [Sigh] Fine. 

Janeway: YAY!!!

Scene Ten: What the hell is that thing? 

[Pan inside the Borg Unicomplex, where Old Janeway appears in front of the Borg Queen, who is happily regenerating, with a picture of Colorado Avalanche Center Peter Foresberg clutched to her chest] 

Janeway: Mornin'. 

Queen: AHH! [Hides picture]

Janeway: If you're calling for Drones to assimilate me, don't bother. 

Queen: I don't need drones to assimilate you! [Tries to inject assimilation tubelues into Janeway's neck] 

Janeway: I'm not actually here, your highness. You're stoned, and I'm just inside your head. 

[Pan to three drones, standing in front of the Queen's alcove, where she is talking to herself, and trying to assimilate air. They shake their heads, and walk off] 

Janeway: Let Voyager go!

Queen: Why? 

Janeway: Don't know, really. 

Queen: HAHA! I FOUND YOUR SHUTTLE!

Janeway: [Shrugs]

[Janeway is beamed aboard] 

Queen: SHOWTIME! [Assimilates Janeway] 

Janeway: HAH! 

[Queen stumbles around. Her head rolls around on the floor] 

Queen: SHIT!

[Voyager] 

[Flies into an apature, and blows up the Interspacial manifolds.] 

[Borg Unicomplex] 

Queen: Last sphere…that can hear me…

[Sphere goes after Voyager] 

[Voyager]

Tuvok: WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES HANDED TO US!!

Janeway: Just blow the damn thing up!

Paris: Uuuh….we can't!

Janeway: Well shit. Where's the next exit thingie?

Paris: Right in front of us!

[Voyager pops out, back in the Delta Quantrant]

Voyager: D'OH!

[Voyager jumps back into the transwarp thingie, and starts heading back for the Alpha "Q"]

Sphere: SHIT! [Turns around and runs after them] 

[Borg Unicomplex]

Queen: What's going on!

Collective: _Voyager _has reversed course. 

Queen: And the sphere?

Collective: We can't find it. 

Queen: Well, what the fuck where they doing in there? Picking their noses?!

[Voyager] 

Voyager: MUWHAHAHA! ESCAPED!

Voyager Crew: MUWHAHAHA! ESCAPED!

Borg Sphere: MUWHAHAHAHA! THEY ESCAPED! WAIT—NOOOOO!!!!!!!

Voyager: You miserable stoner. 

Janeway: Where the hell are we!

Paris: Almost there!

Chakotay: [Looks up from behind the conn] When we get to the Alpha Quadrant, just wait to ask for me, okay? 

Tuvok: The sphere is back!

[Pan to Sphere as it bears down on Voyager, because it has a giant fly-swatter after it] 

Sphere: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Voyager: DIE!

[Voyager shoots back] 

Sphere: RAWWR! [Eats Voyager] 

Voyager: YAHHH!!

[Borg Unicomplex] 

Queen: HAH HAH HAH! WE'VE GOT THEM!

Collective: Should we put you back together?

Queen: In a minuet. 

[Unicomplex explodes] 

Queen: This the end of my sceen time? 

Rick Berman/Jeri Taylor: Yep. 

Queen: Kay, bye. 

[Pan to Pathfinder headquarters] 

Old Paris: What the hell is that!?

Barclay: [Young again! Yay!!] It's a transwarp conduit!

Old Paris: Send every ship to fuck 'em up!

Barclay: Got it!

[Starfleet Armada converges on the exit aputure] 

Armada: OH, BLUE SKIES! SMILING AT ME! NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES, DO I SEE!!

[Sphere Exits the Transwarp conduit] 

Sphere: Last thing I expected to see here. 

[Armada starts shooting at the Sphere]

[Voyager]

Janeway: Mr. Paris—Where the hell are we?

New Paris: What the hell? Why do I have 'New' in front of my name?!

Janeway: NOW!!!

New Paris: Right in front of Earth! 

Janeway: Schweet! Fire that last torpedoe! 

[Tuvok fires the last torpedo and blows the sphere up from the inside out] 

Sphere: Well, it was a fair fight. [Blows up] 

Janeway: Hell yeah!

[Old Paris hails _Voyager_] 

Old Paris: What the hell are you doing here?!

Janeway: Sorry. 

Old Paris: Welcome home…now get your asses home. 

[Commlink Buzzes] 

Doctor: Doctor to Leuitenant Paris. Your kid has been born. 

Paris: Kick Ass! [Runs off] 

[Chakotay stands up with lipstick and kiss marks all over his face.] 

Chakotay: I'll fly home!

Seven: Chakotay! Aren't you coming back to bed? 

Chakotay: Well…on second thought…[Jumps back over the conn] 

Janeway: Oh hell, I'll do it myself. 

[Flies Voyager home] 

[Fade to black] 

---

This has been a presentation of Darkisadumbass productions. If you are not laughing your ass off—three hundred ninja monkies are converging on your posistion to tear you limb from limb. 

Stay tuned for other Episode rewrites, inculding rewirtes of: 

Fury

Night

Drone

And 

Timeless!


End file.
